Confessions of a Transplant: Rape, My Story.

I am a feminist. I am not a victim of anyone’s politics. I am a mother, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend. I will stand up and not be shut up. I am a human being, a citizen of the United States, and a damn fine cook. I take great pleasure in voting. I believe in a higher power and the Constitution. I think these entities are separate: one governs my spiritual life, the other my corporeal rights.

Rape is an act of violence and against all laws proscribed by human beings. I was ‘date-raped’ at 23 and for years I thought I did something wrong. I ran in my head a litany of shoulds and coulds. I blamed myself and internally I thought I was ugly and ‘used’.

It happened at a huge house party in a small city in Massachusetts. I did not report it because I took me years to call it rape. When I left the party I told a girlfriend, she said to me: “Isn’t that what you wanted?” For years I had no women friends. I let no one in. I told no one. I spent the next five years in a relationship with a man where everything looked fine on the outside.

When he slapped me around. I ended it. My mother didn’t understand why I could leave someone with a good job and nice care. I got therapy and started going to 12 step meetings. This redeemed my life. Gave me a guide back to myself. Taught me what it is to be loved and how to love. It taught me how to trust.

Every time I hear the word RAPE used on television like it’s nothing I get sick to my stomach. Every time I see the word on FB or social networking as a meme. I get angry. I fear the ignorance spewed on progressive and conservative news outlets. I applaud the doctors willing to take of all of women’s medical needs.

Carrying a fetus to term from an act of violence is not a choice. . . it is morally reprehensible. I know what choice is. I chose to be a mother, single, at 20. And I thank God everyday that I am a Mom.

I am your sister. I am your mother. I am your cousin. I am your wife. I am your friend. I am any one. I am everyone. And I scare people with my resilience.


Note to those who know me. . .you probably don’t know this about me.  I am sorry that you hear this story from this post. But I have grown more weary and more angry these past few weeks. I hope you understand. . .  enough is enough. I can no longer be so silent.

2 thoughts on “Confessions of a Transplant: Rape, My Story.

  1. xyzcoordinates November 6, 2012 / 6:00 AMNov

    I am sorry, but I am glad that I know you are strong enough to try working it out.
    I know it can never be resolved and that I can never understand.
    I agree that the topic has been discussed far to frequently recently,
    and the worst part is the stupid things these know nothings are saying are so insulting and morally reprehensible.

    You have every right to be angry.
    I wish you could get a chance to talk to one of those morons face to face.

  2. Carole Buhl November 5, 2012 / 6:00 AMNov

    Ammi, I didn’t know this piece of your history. It doesn’t make me think any more of you nor any less of you. What it does is reaffirm the admiration I have of you and the resiliency you’ve always shown…..from the first time I met you. Love you!

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